I’d like to tell you a little about what led me to Paganism. While it’s truly a story that encompasses decades, I’ll try to boil it down to a few strong details and events.
Growing up I always felt different, which many kids do, but I felt as though there was something more. Something more than right in front of me, on this plane of existence. For many people in my little hometown this led them to the Christian God, which for a time worked for me too. Partially, this worked because I didn’t know that there were any other religious options besides Christianity or Judaism. It also fit for a time due to my mother being more of an open-minded Christian, often discussing topics such as ghosts and premonition dreams, which in many Christian churches is sacrilege. I also went to many different Christian churches, due to my father deciding not to attend a Baptist church after my paternal grandmother passed away and my mother deciding to ‘church shop’ in Methodist and Catholic churches. This made me learn early that I didn’t have to commit forever to one ideology, despite these all being Christian churches.
When I was very young, possibly around the age of four or five, I remember hiding in my grandmother’s room and crying to myself about wanting to go home, even though I have no previous memories of living anywhere else or of having a different family. At the time I recall feeling like I didn’t belong there, in that house, with those people who were my family. To this day the only home I knew for more than two decades never felt like it was where I belonged and I have no reason as to why I felt that way. When I learned that some religions believe in reincarnation much later in life, I started pulling away from Christianity though I hadn’t learned much about Paganism at that point.
There were also many aspects of Christianity that I just couldn’t put my heart into. Perhaps that can be another story for another time. There were frequent odd events that caused me confusion as well, particularly as I couldn’t use the Christian religion to explain what happened or why I felt a specific way. One example was in elementary school (5th grade I believe), I recall asking my mother to purchase a rabbit fur at a festival for me, which she obliged. Afterwards, I cried over that fur for weeks because of how sad it made me feel, eventually hiding it from myself so that I wouldn’t be sad. I couldn’t explain why it made me so sad. I understood about life and death at that point, but had never had something effect so harshly. I’ll elaborate upon other events in future posts, though in general this led me to believe in other realms, specifically in the existence of ghosts/spirits and faery folk. I came to believe in the ability to empathically channel feelings that don’t belong to me, which has also led me trust my instincts regarding intuition, premonition, and divination.
Throughout all of this I became to consider myself as Agnostic, as I believed in higher beings and many other ideologies, but couldn’t quite put a finger on a system of belief I could fully get behind. I valued the many Greek, Roman, and Norse gods, Buddha, and the idea that one should not harm another. I believed in reincarnation, as well as the opportunity to stay in a place of perpetual happiness. I also believed in the possibility that spirits could stay on this plane of existence. I believed that higher beings could step in to help or change lives, but I didn’t know who those higher beings were or how I should worship them. I noticed how many religions preached similar ideas and I came to believe that one god could also exist as many gods and that they all were essentially some kind of source energy.
During my spiritual journey I made the decision to get a tattoo after heavily researching the meanings behind a specific symbol. In addition to the many religious connotations, this symbol ended up representing my own spiritual journey from Christianity to something I hadn’t yet put my finger on. As silly as I think this sounds, I heavily researched Techno-Paganism when I was exposed to an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. After doing very minimal research I found that it was an idea created by the writer Joss Whedon. This dashed my hopes for a time and I went back to considering myself Agnostic, until I met Iona Luna. While I feel that I always was Pagan (even though I didn’t realize it), I have to credit her with helping me learn and suggesting many excellent reading materials, when I didn’t really know where to look. I have always considered myself a loner in most aspects, including my spirituality and spellwork. Though now I have someone to occasionally practice with, plus we’ve obviously come together to share our learning and experiences using this blog.
I hope this gives you a better idea of who I am and where I’ve come from regarding my spiritual journey into Paganism. Please don’t hesitate to ask questions using our contact page or directly e-mailing us at Midwestwitches@gmail.com. And feel free to make (positive!) comments or suggestions on any of our posts. I sincerely hope you continue on this educational journey with us.
Blessed be and much love,
SidheSidhe (Shee Shee) Teg